03-03-2009, 11:43 PM
I meant start over as in scrap this, take all the sprites and story ideas and just reapply them, use an editor.
Get someone to read over your stuff and help you with grammar.
The number of commas you use isn't just your style, but they're all in the wrong places of a sentence. Meaning that they aren't put there because that's your style, they're put there against the laws of English.
Using statements is bad because you should never have a character say how they're feeling.
Do you ever watch a show where a character just blatantly says "I'm mad," or "I am happy now"?
Other than "Hulk ANGRY!" I don't see intelligent characters stating things.
So have Soma worry about his girlfriend in a different way. Don't say "I miss her already". I mean, it's been like, a whole five minutes since they got stuck back in time, right? So have him say that he hopes she doesn't worry about him.
That shows his care for her in a more natural human way.
As for transparent text: I think it's a good idea. But I think you made it TOO transparent, as now we can't read it very well. Maybe leave the text opaque and make the speech box transparent. That fixes the problem of being an obstruction in the comic.
"Let's go" and "Good idea". The reason this bothered me at all isn't because you used it, it's because you used it twice in a row! Page one and page two.
It seems to me that Soma's an idiot. Unless someone says "Let's go", he won't know any better. He's not a dog, you don't need to have the same character prod him twice to continue walking. Why does he just sit there? What is it about Soma that makes him want to just sit in an area and pour out useless information. No one should have to tell him to go, they should just continue walking as a group.
As for the wallet thing: Wallets did exist back then, they were just coin purses and the like. It makes more sense now that I know that it says his name on the outside, but as a reader with no hidden knowledge like that, how am I supposed to know that it's on the outside? Am I just to assume that from holding a wallet Alucard magically learns peoples names? : P
I do appreciate you taking each of my crits into consideration and intelligibly replying to them all.
I don't intend to simply scare you from making comics, I just want you to be aware of what you've done wrong, and how to go about fixing it.
Good luck, I'll be checking on this comic in the future.
Get someone to read over your stuff and help you with grammar.
The number of commas you use isn't just your style, but they're all in the wrong places of a sentence. Meaning that they aren't put there because that's your style, they're put there against the laws of English.
Using statements is bad because you should never have a character say how they're feeling.
Do you ever watch a show where a character just blatantly says "I'm mad," or "I am happy now"?
Other than "Hulk ANGRY!" I don't see intelligent characters stating things.
So have Soma worry about his girlfriend in a different way. Don't say "I miss her already". I mean, it's been like, a whole five minutes since they got stuck back in time, right? So have him say that he hopes she doesn't worry about him.
That shows his care for her in a more natural human way.
As for transparent text: I think it's a good idea. But I think you made it TOO transparent, as now we can't read it very well. Maybe leave the text opaque and make the speech box transparent. That fixes the problem of being an obstruction in the comic.
"Let's go" and "Good idea". The reason this bothered me at all isn't because you used it, it's because you used it twice in a row! Page one and page two.
It seems to me that Soma's an idiot. Unless someone says "Let's go", he won't know any better. He's not a dog, you don't need to have the same character prod him twice to continue walking. Why does he just sit there? What is it about Soma that makes him want to just sit in an area and pour out useless information. No one should have to tell him to go, they should just continue walking as a group.
As for the wallet thing: Wallets did exist back then, they were just coin purses and the like. It makes more sense now that I know that it says his name on the outside, but as a reader with no hidden knowledge like that, how am I supposed to know that it's on the outside? Am I just to assume that from holding a wallet Alucard magically learns peoples names? : P
I do appreciate you taking each of my crits into consideration and intelligibly replying to them all.
I don't intend to simply scare you from making comics, I just want you to be aware of what you've done wrong, and how to go about fixing it.
Good luck, I'll be checking on this comic in the future.