So, I overdid it, huh? Personally, I'm glad that I gave it my all instead of make an effort that either made Red look bland or my script look outright lazy/subpar. In spite of this, I'll try toning it down in the next revision.
As for Bombette's gender, since I know Paper Mario like the back of my hand (and I looked up a playthrough on YouTube just in case), Bombette mentions how she worked for the Koopa Bros. and blew up next to them. I can imagine there might have been a short exchange of words between them in either situation, so the Koopa Bros. might know her gender then. Plus, with an appearance like that, they could probably assume her gender anyway. Regardless, just in case you're not happy with the originally line, I'll provide suggestions on what to change it in hopes of a better flow.
Also, Kosheh, thank you for being cool about the one gag. I was just a little concerned that I need to somehow write it into the story without shoehorning it in, so that lifts a weight off my shoulder.
As for Bombette's gender, since I know Paper Mario like the back of my hand (and I looked up a playthrough on YouTube just in case), Bombette mentions how she worked for the Koopa Bros. and blew up next to them. I can imagine there might have been a short exchange of words between them in either situation, so the Koopa Bros. might know her gender then. Plus, with an appearance like that, they could probably assume her gender anyway. Regardless, just in case you're not happy with the originally line, I'll provide suggestions on what to change it in hopes of a better flow.
Also, Kosheh, thank you for being cool about the one gag. I was just a little concerned that I need to somehow write it into the story without shoehorning it in, so that lifts a weight off my shoulder.
![[+]](images/collapse_collapsed.png "[+]")
Anyway, let's move on! From the sound of it, only Red needs adjustments. If a character like Green or Yellow needs adjustments, I'll see what I can do in the next revision. I wrote the new lines in blue, and I also left in his original lines for you to compare them with.
The Koopa Bros.: Back in Action
(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in Paper Mario. Inside, we find Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros. Yellow is nearby soldering a motherboard at a table.)
Red: *Sigh* Bogus… Another day doin' jack all…
Red: *Sigh* Another day doin' jack all…
(Yellow sets down his soldering tool and looks at Red.)
Yellow: Is there something troubling you, Red?
Red: You're the, like, brainiac on the team, Yellow. Figure it out yerself.
Red: You're the brainiac on the team, Yellow. Figure it out yerself.
????: Save your brainpower, Yellow. He's just whining about how we haven't got a gig from Bowser in ages.
(Red gets startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to Black sitting on the bed next to him.)
Red: *Pants a bits* JEEZ, Black! You've been there long!? Stop usin' that totally freaky ninja stuff on me!
Red: *Pants a bits* JEEZ, Black! You've been there long!? Stop usin' that freaky ninja stuff on me!
Green: *Offscreen* Red! RED! *Barges in* What's wrong! What's wro- WHOA!
(Green trips on the floor and Red facepalms.)
Red: Still bein' a clutz as aways, cheeseball?
Black: Don't pay any attention to that coward, Green. He was only startled when I sneaked up on him during another pointless venting session.
(Red glares at Black.)
Green: Oh? Was he ventin' about how we're unemployed every since Kammy lost her position next to Big B?
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! After Blue Robes got back his, like, Merlin gig from Kamms, the head honcho ain't got use for us yet! Due to that bodaciously raw deal, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! After Blue Robes got back his Merlin gig from Kamms, the head honcho ain't got use for us yet! Thanks to that, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
(As Red is shouting at Green, Green is cowering before Red. Yellow is worried and puts his hand over his mouth, while Black is standing there rolling his eyes with his arms crossed.)
Green: *After a moment, he composes himself by taking a deep breath* You didn't have to, like, blow your stack, dude. I was only askin'… Say, why's this place goin' south anyhow? Seems fine to me.
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look mighty funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for some BODACIOUS reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that Bob-omb chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a totally weak Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that, like, undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 1
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 2
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and one of those Bob-ombs blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
(As Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)
Green: Aw, it's not so bad, Red! That thing in the water's totally nice, especially when you feed it pizza! Also, that was me lettin' those guys out.
(Red gives Green an annoyed look.)
Green: What? Bill Bones gets shy a lot and he pays the rent down there!
Black: Heh… From what Green is saying, we're better off making this place a cheap motel just to pay for renovations… Still, if it'll keep you from whining all the time, I'd say we try doing Bowser a favor.
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on, like, KP duty just to get minimum wage…
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on KP duty just for minimum wage…
Green: But, Red, I thought King B just isn't interested in us nomores since we're hardly anymore effective than even his averadge lack-
Red: SHUT UP, ya IDIOT! He hate's use since Fatty Red creamed us and that's THAT!
Yellow: Green is right, Red. No offense to you, but Bowser clearly used terms and facial expressions to show indifference when we saw him last. Now that I think of it, Kammy Koopa was the only reason he even considered hiring-
Red: Yeah yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to, like, earn back the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with a certain plumber, but good luck tryin' to take out the guy who totally make the king of us look bogus.
Red: Yeah yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to earn back the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with that plumber, but good luck tryin' to take out the guy who even makes the king look bogus.
Green: Don't forget he even thrashed that baby Koopa dude who totally curb stomped us back at-
Red: CAN IT, GREEN!
Yellow: May I make a suggestion, Red? Perhaps if we took an important person in Mario's life as a hostage, we could use it as a kind of bargaining chip to gain the upper-hand?
Red: And that's why you're totally the Einstein on our team, Yellow! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since they probably, like, beefed up security with all the times the bossman snatches her up.
Red: And that's why you're the Einstein on our team, Yellow! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since they likely beefed up security with all the times the bossman snatched her up.
Green: Actually, last time I heard, her place is still totally free from any-
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO, dudes! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs he kept during that, like, Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and this plan goes to Radical City!
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs he kept during that Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and we're GOLDEN!
Black: Red, none of those guys are completely helpless. You're better off catching Luigi, who is actually quite simple to-
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! As for you, Yellow, how about makin' yourself, like, useful and get one of yer totally rad trap doohickies?
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! As for you, Yellow, how about makin' yourself useful and get one of yer trap doohickies?
Yellow: I actually have this really brilliant one I'm just about to put the finishing touches on, so give me a moment to find it.
(Red grins at this idea and both he and Yellow exit the bedroom. Green looks at Black, who sighs and preforms a single bacflip out the window. Green looks frontwards toward the viewer and makes an "I-don't-know" pose at the viewer before leaving.)
(The title of the short appears over an outside pan of the Koopa Bros. Fortress. I do not know if the fortress should look like it has seen better days or not ever since its appearance in Paper Mario. Inside, we find Red pacing around and sighing in the bedroom of the Koopa Bros. Yellow is nearby soldering a motherboard at a table.)
Red: *Sigh* Bogus… Another day doin' jack all…
Red: *Sigh* Another day doin' jack all…
(Yellow sets down his soldering tool and looks at Red.)
Yellow: Is there something troubling you, Red?
Red: You're the, like, brainiac on the team, Yellow. Figure it out yerself.
Red: You're the brainiac on the team, Yellow. Figure it out yerself.
????: Save your brainpower, Yellow. He's just whining about how we haven't got a gig from Bowser in ages.
(Red gets startled by this comment as the camera quickly shifts to Black sitting on the bed next to him.)
Red: *Pants a bits* JEEZ, Black! You've been there long!? Stop usin' that totally freaky ninja stuff on me!
Red: *Pants a bits* JEEZ, Black! You've been there long!? Stop usin' that freaky ninja stuff on me!
Green: *Offscreen* Red! RED! *Barges in* What's wrong! What's wro- WHOA!
(Green trips on the floor and Red facepalms.)
Red: Still bein' a clutz as aways, cheeseball?
Black: Don't pay any attention to that coward, Green. He was only startled when I sneaked up on him during another pointless venting session.
(Red glares at Black.)
Green: Oh? Was he ventin' about how we're unemployed every since Kammy lost her position next to Big B?
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! After Blue Robes got back his, like, Merlin gig from Kamms, the head honcho ain't got use for us yet! Due to that bodaciously raw deal, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
Red: *Facepalming* No… I was jabbin' about how us four ain't in Smash Bros… *Waits a bit and then explodes into a rage* OF COURSE I WAS RANTIN' ABOUT THAT, SHELL-BRAIN! After Blue Robes got back his Merlin gig from Kamms, the head honcho ain't got use for us yet! Thanks to that, we lack the goons and dough from keeping this fort from goin' south!
(As Red is shouting at Green, Green is cowering before Red. Yellow is worried and puts his hand over his mouth, while Black is standing there rolling his eyes with his arms crossed.)
Green: *After a moment, he composes himself by taking a deep breath* You didn't have to, like, blow your stack, dude. I was only askin'… Say, why's this place goin' south anyhow? Seems fine to me.
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look mighty funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for some BODACIOUS reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that Bob-omb chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a totally weak Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that, like, undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 1
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and that chick blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
Suggestion 2
Red: Of course it does, Green… Everything looks PEACHY-KEEN to a ding-dong, like YOU! Look, since I'm so nice, I'll gladly break it down… AGAIN! The traps and stuff are totally busted! The indoor pools look funky and I'm not sure I WANT to know what's livin' in them now! As for our jail, people keep escapin' it for SOME reason I cant figure out! Yeah, I know Sausage-Nose and one of those Bob-ombs blew a hole in it, but we patched it up, so why can't even a Goomba in!? The only guy in it now is that undead freak who keeps popping in and out like he owns the place…
(As Red is explaining his dilemma, the camera cuts and pans around various parts of the fortress. The hallway with the firebars shows the firebars all burnt out with ashes in their places. When the camera shows the base of entry tower with the pool of water, the green pool of sludgy water bubbles as a octopus tentacle rises from it. As for the cell where the Bob-ombs were once held, it shows the inside has graffiti in it. There is a lone Dry Bones collapsed on the floor, but it shortly rearranges its pieces back together and lets out an eerie cackle. When Red is done explaining, the camera cuts back to the bedroom.)
Green: Aw, it's not so bad, Red! That thing in the water's totally nice, especially when you feed it pizza! Also, that was me lettin' those guys out.
(Red gives Green an annoyed look.)
Green: What? Bill Bones gets shy a lot and he pays the rent down there!
Black: Heh… From what Green is saying, we're better off making this place a cheap motel just to pay for renovations… Still, if it'll keep you from whining all the time, I'd say we try doing Bowser a favor.
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on, like, KP duty just to get minimum wage…
Red: Get another job from King Firebreath? The guy hates our guts too much to even put us on KP duty just for minimum wage…
Green: But, Red, I thought King B just isn't interested in us nomores since we're hardly anymore effective than even his averadge lack-
Red: SHUT UP, ya IDIOT! He hate's use since Fatty Red creamed us and that's THAT!
Yellow: Green is right, Red. No offense to you, but Bowser clearly used terms and facial expressions to show indifference when we saw him last. Now that I think of it, Kammy Koopa was the only reason he even considered hiring-
Red: Yeah yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to, like, earn back the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with a certain plumber, but good luck tryin' to take out the guy who totally make the king of us look bogus.
Red: Yeah yeah… Whatever, Yellow… Look, guys, the only way to earn back the big guy's trust is to mop the floor with that plumber, but good luck tryin' to take out the guy who even makes the king look bogus.
Green: Don't forget he even thrashed that baby Koopa dude who totally curb stomped us back at-
Red: CAN IT, GREEN!
Yellow: May I make a suggestion, Red? Perhaps if we took an important person in Mario's life as a hostage, we could use it as a kind of bargaining chip to gain the upper-hand?
Red: And that's why you're totally the Einstein on our team, Yellow! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since they probably, like, beefed up security with all the times the bossman snatches her up.
Red: And that's why you're the Einstein on our team, Yellow! *Thinks for a bit* Now, Peach is out since they likely beefed up security with all the times the bossman snatched her up.
Green: Actually, last time I heard, her place is still totally free from any-
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO, dudes! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs he kept during that, like, Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and this plan goes to Radical City!
Red: *Snaps fingers* BINGO! Remember Plumber Boy's gang of dweebs he kept during that Star Spirits rigmarole? We nab one and we're GOLDEN!
Black: Red, none of those guys are completely helpless. You're better off catching Luigi, who is actually quite simple to-
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! As for you, Yellow, how about makin' yourself, like, useful and get one of yer totally rad trap doohickies?
Red: C'mon, bros! Get your K-Game on 'cuz we're headin' out to Goomba Village! As for you, Yellow, how about makin' yourself useful and get one of yer trap doohickies?
Yellow: I actually have this really brilliant one I'm just about to put the finishing touches on, so give me a moment to find it.
(Red grins at this idea and both he and Yellow exit the bedroom. Green looks at Black, who sighs and preforms a single bacflip out the window. Green looks frontwards toward the viewer and makes an "I-don't-know" pose at the viewer before leaving.)
Refs
http://www.vg-resource.com/thread-24880-...#pid547187
Secret Santa Gift
http://i.imgur.com/ePmc4yd.jpg
Ploaj
http://i.imgur.com/HlQpqzO.png
Chris
http://i.imgur.com/jTu4R2O.png
http://www.vg-resource.com/thread-24880-...#pid547187
Secret Santa Gift
http://i.imgur.com/ePmc4yd.jpg
Ploaj
http://i.imgur.com/HlQpqzO.png
Chris
http://i.imgur.com/jTu4R2O.png
(02-27-2014, 07:31 PM)Gors Wrote: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SUCK. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SHOW YOUR SUCKY ART. I think this needs to go noticed to everyone, because sucking is not failing. Sucking is part of the fun of learning and if you don't suck, then you won't own at pixelart
it's ok to suck, sucking is not bad, just try and aim to always do your best!