02-22-2009, 03:05 PM
(02-22-2009, 12:25 PM)Chris2Balls [:B] Wrote: There are quite a few mistakes in there. Make sure you re-read.
Quote:Within a galaxy far from any other, it is a place of immense ferocious competition. (disorganised sentence, either get rid of "it" or rephrase) Fortred ,(the) ruler of (the) planet Quifeza, watches (I suggest "watched") in dismay as his all -star football team the ("The"?) Shreds are ("were" if you change tense) subjugated by the defending champions of a rival planet, known as the flame wolves ("The Flame Wolves"?). The score ends (ended) at 17 to 51, this game was (this is why I suggested you changed tense; you can't go from present to past) his team’s preceding chance at the playoffs. So many things go (went) through his mind, but the thing that upsets (upsetted) him at ("the") most is (was) ("that") he put the entire planets ("planet's", the currency belongs to the planet, so you need " 's") currency on the line. In other words, he forfeited his entire planets (same here) reserves! He is approached (right tense? you put everything in the present tense, which is not a good idea for a narrative) by the coach of the wolves ("The Wolves"?).
Yep there's a lot to correct, if there's only this much in one paragraph. The style of writing reminds me a bit of Pratchett or Adams.
I'm sorry if I may offend, but are you not a native English speaker? I'm asking this because some of the stuff here reminds me of German language structure; of course, I may be wrong.
Anyway, good story and style, just need to work a bit more on correction!
my bad lol, the story is supposed to be in present tense
Thanks for pointing out some of my errors, I guess I should read over my stuff before posting it up. Yup I'm a native speaker, born here in Aurora Colorado. Thanks for pointing some things out.