Portal, my fanfic

[LeleleleMAXIMUM]

CONCIENCENESS

Breaking the fourth wall

Boring character profiles. "
Kamek is Bowsers right-hand-man, and very hasty. He knows a lot of spell, and like to be in command." Are you in third grade?

No sense of plot, or not enough to keep people interested. "Bowser is at his throne, thinking about Peach, when kamek walks in." Eh? What? Why? Why is he doing that? In the manga, he'll just be shown brooding and the reader will be "so fucking what?" Same with the portal; why is there a portal and why should we care? Why are the universes intersecting? Should we give a damn? Make people care about what your characters are doing or what's happening to your story.

Mostly dialog with no attempt to describe what is happening or the surroundings or the characters

Konata just trusts Shy Guy immediately after punching him <-- dumb

"Konata gave Fred the Shy Guy a face, only describable by "scary"." <-- Haha, no. If you are any worth as a writer, you should be able to describe it more than just "scary". How about "Shy Guy stared at her and felt a stirring within him reserved only for the bowels of hell itself, and speaking of bowels.." Yeah, that was pretty bad, but it's just a five second finger exercise and is a lot better than "scary".

I didn't really read it all, because it was mostly terrible. How old are you?
I mean why are you even using existing characters; that is the one thing you should do if you want to be forever branded as "unoriginal".
Just make the "manga" and show us, because you are not good with words anyway. I know most comic artists have scripts, but since your writing prowess is below average, how about you just draw thumbnails.
EDIT:
IT's almost 1am, I will sleep now zzzzzzzz