Posts: 18
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2015
05-06-2016, 09:45 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-07-2016, 12:40 AM by Harold_Roxby.)
by Harold Roxby
Disclaimer: I'll play the Role of Peach at this Point. I have no rights to Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Metroid, Sonic, Wreck-It Ralph, Mickey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor Kirby. They belong to their Rightful owners. Please review here. Thank-e-do.
Prologue: The confused Princess
Princess Peach (Narrating): My name is Princess Elizabeth Jane Toadstool, I was known as "Peach" by all of my residents. Today, my friend Parry the Parasol, my big elderly brother Toadsworth and I are in the Flower Kingdom at night of October, searching for where the Sound of Sorrow came from, Until we found out there is a Little 10-year-old girl, about to be 11 next year, Named Angela O'Haru, Me and Prince Haru's adopted child, crying while hugging a Rock with Haru's Sword called the Flame Calibur in it, and his crystal necklace around the sword, and Haru's mother Queen Blossom Comforting her.
Princess Peach: Excuse me, Angela, why are you crying?
Angela O'Haru: My daddy. (Sniffs) He's gone.
Princess Peach: Gone Where? Oh don't ask, let me look at the Rock the sword was in.
Princess Peach (Narrating): I checked the Rock and I found out that it's a Grave with the name Haru in it, meaning that Prince Haru, Prince of the Flower Kingdom, and Ex-fiance to called off my wedding due to his sickness from Bloat Spurts, Died last month.
Queen Blossom: Despite what Your sisters accused you of treason due to Count Bleck and Dr. Nastasia Droid forcing you to marry Bowser, I'm sure you didn't betray the residents of your kingdom.
Toadsworth: King George, Count Cosmo and I think the Same thing. Peach Told me and I almost died a heart attack first, but then, despite the king's idiocy, King George did talk sense to me.
Princess Peach: Angie, I promise you thee I will file for divorce against Bowser and give you some child support. Would you like that?
Angela O'Haru (stops crying and looks up to Peach): Really Mommy? You do that for me?
Princess Peach: Of course.
Princess Peach (Narrating): After I gave Angela a hug, Toadsworth, Parry and I helped Angela on moving to the Castle of the Kingdom, Taking Haru's Necklace and his sword with us, Angela gets to keep the neck. But while on our way, we entered Mushroom City so we can have lunch. While we were at the restaurant I remembered this:
Quote:Princess Peach (Narrating): I was at the Castle before Pauline's own adventure in Pokeball Federation. I had an argument with my sisters Sorceress Durian and Princess Claudia, and because Toadsworth, King George, and Twin Siblings Count Cosmo and Princess Pearl had no choice but to disagree with Durian's Accusation of treason, Durian ran away of the Mushroom Kingdom taking my nieces, Eliza, Betty and Beth, and her boyfriend Phillip Geraldine, with her and Claudia walks back to her home Claudia Tower Adamantium Factory.
Princess Peach: Although I don't understand, Why did Bowser kidnap me in the first place? Why did Bowser want to marry me in the besides becoming King of my Kingdom? Why does Bowser love me when I'm never interested? and worst of all, why did Bowser Jr. Call me "Mama"?
Princess Peach (Narrating): And that when the war begins, Vegetarian Zombies called "Dead Guys", Werewolves called "Howlers", Skeletoshis, Drybones & Parabones, Splunkins, Jack-O-Goombas, Boos, Mansion Spirits (from Luigi's Mansion), Dublighosts, Frankenstein Typed Monsters called "Vickies", Hunter Yoshis and Popipas are beating up Vampires called Vampies, Young Vampires called "Draculkids", Succubi called "Suckies", Flesh Eating Zombies Called "Dead Carnivores", Undead Muscular Goomas called "Tankibos", Obese Zombie Koopas called "Boomer Troopas" and Shadow Demons (Like the Shadow Sirens). and then, when I heard my birth name "Elizabeth", a fang Bat Landed in front of me and turned into a Vampire Shadow Demon Queen who happens to be the Shadow Queen's Daughter possessing the dead corpse of my mother named "Melody". Her name is Baroness Olivia Von Fungola.
Lady Olivia: Elizabeth, can't you see? The "Night of the Hallows" (meaning Halloween) will soon be here, collect all the Seven Star Diamonds and Bring them to me as Promised.
Princess Peach: Who are you? And How did you know my real name? And call you call me "Peach"?
Lady Olivia (Shakes her Head): You will find out in the mean time. . . (Turns into a fang bat and Flies away)
Princess Peach (Pulls out her Flame Calibur): I can't tolerate any Undead in my kingdom at all, that's just not right. . .
Toadsworth (Blocks Peach's path nervously): I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Peach. It's too dangerous to interfere.
Princess Peach: I'm Sorry big brother, but in order to get the answers I have to collect the Seven Star Diamonds.
Toadsworth (is forced to agree): Okay fine, but don't get yourself a scratch even if with that sword. It is very dangerous.
Angela O'Haru: I'm going too, Mommy! (as Peach turns into Warrior Peach and Parry tuns into a Shield with the Flame Calibur)
Toadsworth: WHAT? a Child interfering an event so Violent?? Preposterous!! How do ya even know how to Slay??
Angela O'Haru: Blame it on my Demon hunting class Teacher Ms. Buffy Anne Summers, she's the one who taught me to slay every single demon without one single scratch at the Super Smash Bros. Video Game Academy.
Toadsworth (sighs): Okay Mistress Angela, you win. (then lets Angela and says to himsel) I've heard of Young Demon Hunters before, but this is ridiculous.
End of Prologue
Posts: 18
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2015
05-07-2016, 12:34 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-07-2016, 12:47 AM by Harold_Roxby.)
Disclaimer: I'll Start with Hero Story First. I have no rights to Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Metroid, Sonic, Wreck-It Ralph, Mickey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor Kirby. They belong to their Rightful owners.
Hero Story 1: Punishment, Thy name is served.
Chapter 1: Apocal-Peach now
Hero Mission: slay 15 Tribesmen of Darkness
Location: Streets of Mushroom City
Peach (Thinking to Herself): Hmmmm.... A Promise time, isn't it? Well, It's time I have to fulfill this "Promise" to the new Shadow Queen.
Warrior Princess Peach (Narrating): Starting my new adventure in the Streets of Mushroom City, Shield Parry & I ran as fast as we can to slay those tribesmen of Darkness and rescue every resident of Mushroom City on my way, then I discovered Pauline, who is still in a Mechanic's pink cap & Clothing with red skirtlike overalls right now doing the same thing.
Angela: Hi, Mrs. Baldwin.
Peach (Turns to Angela): So you and Pauline know each other?
Pauline (turns to Peach & Angela): Princess Peach! Princess Angela! Long time no See! Looks like those monsters really mean business. There are 15 of them in this location! Try to slay at least 15 Dark Tribesmen attacking our people. Don't bother attacking the Dead Guys, Skeletoshis, Vickies, Howlers, Mansion Spirits and Boos. Durian Summoned them all to protect the Kingdom.
Peach: Durian woke the dead for protection!? WITHOUT A NECROMANCER'S LICENSE!? I cannot tolerate this at all!! That's just not right!! & Why do we need Vickies for!? They remind me of Frankenstein!!
Parry: Princess, Please calm down, the Dead Guys, Vickies & Howlers are working as hard as they can to protect our Kingdom, they're different than the Dead Carnivores; Dead Guys are the vegetarian GOOD guys & Howlers KILL the Vampies. & so do vickies.
Peach (sighs): That's what I'm afraid of.
Peach (Narrating): & So I slain 5 dead Carnivores, 4 Man Cheeps & 1 Sucky, then I found a Green Star Diamond on the ground.
Pauline (reminding): With the Star Diamond, You can unlock unlimited power of Feelings.
Peach (Narrating): Then I pushed the Block and Climbed up the beanstalk to get to the higher place. That's where I met Olivia in Fang Bat Form.
Fang Bat Olivia: You are late, Princess. From this time on I have to keep my blood red Eye on you. & Be sure to Slaughter 50 of Durian's Soldiers for interfering my plans.
Peach: But I ignored Olivia & slain 2 Tankibos and 1 Boomer Troopa.
Pauline: Turns out that most of the Residents have evacuated to the safe-zone, I feel almost sorry for them.
Peach (Narrating): I discovered two Vampies. So as a trick I ate the Anthropy Candy and turned into a Were-Koopa (A Common Koopa in a torn red dress) and howled to the Full moon and slain both Vampies at one blow using Koopa Claws & Elasticized arms. Then I found the other Star Diamond, the Sapphire one.
END OF CHAPTER
WARNING!!! INTRO ALERT!!!
Location: Durian's Gingerbread Mansion, Gusty Gulch
Peach (Narrating): Meanwhile, at the Gingerbread Mansion at the Gusty Gulch, The Mushroom Sorceress Durian Toadstool and her pet Spell book Mancy are looking out the sugar made window. Then Durian was encountered by a blonde werewolf named Kate (the Same Kate from Mario Tennis).
Kate: M'Lady, I have to report that the tribe of darkness was attacking Mushroom City, But the Pink Mechanic has defeated them all there and Princess Peach & a little girl are with her.
Sorceress Durian: Elizabeth!? Deploy the troops now & if you see Peach with the Tribe of Darkness then kill them all!!
Kate: But Lady Durian!! Isn't Peach on our side? Mistress!?
Durian: I GAVE YOU MY ORDERS, KATELYN! SHE'S A TRAITOR AND SHE'S THE ENEMY!!
Peach (Narrating): After Kate left, two police officers Sheriff Harriet Sanders and Deputy Buffy Foxx enter the mansion to see Durian.
Harriet: Durian, we like to have a word with you.
Durian: What the hell do you want!?
Buffy Foxx: Why did you summon She-R.O.B. Claire to arrest Princess Peach? We told you your father cannot tolerate accepting the fact that Peach is a traitor due to her marriage with Bowser. She's an innocent girl, She was kidnapped & Forced.
Durian: Bull fricking horse pucky! Don Bones told me all about it! Count Bleck & His jackasses are nothing but a myth to me and even if father CAN'T accept the fact then he's still a BLITTERING IDIOT!!
Sheriff Harriet: Durian, Ranting about your family is way uncool.
Sorceress Durian: ENOUGH!! You pigs get out of my sight!!
Peach (narrating): Then the two cops did leave the mansion like Durian told them to (yet are offended by being called "Pigs") and then Durian looks back out the window.
Durian (to herself): You cannot fool ME, Peach. This time your game is over. For Good. SKELETOSHI!
Yoshi Skeleton: Yes, Mistress?
Durian: Get on the phone and report this to the Mushroom Military!
END OF INTRO
Posts: 107
Threads: 5
Joined: Feb 2013
(05-06-2016, 09:45 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: "Disclaimer: I'll Start with Hero Story First. I have no rights to Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Metroid, Sonic, Wreck-It Ralph, Mickey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor Kirby. They belong to their Rightful owners." One of these things is not quite like the other.
Posts: 18
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2015
OOC: RHB, Please Review in the review Topic of this Sidestory. Thank-e-do (Meaning "Thank you" in Nekonian Language).
Disclaimer: Now where was I? ... Oh Yes. I have no rights to Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Metroid, Sonic, Wreck-It Ralph, Mickey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor Kirby. They belong to their Rightful owners.
Hero Story 1: Punishment, thy name is Served.
Chapter 2: Now it's YOUR Turnpike.
Hero Mission: Defeat the L-tank
Location: Toad Turnpike
Peach (Narrating): Angela, Parry & I walk down the Toad Turnpike as the only way to Toad Town from Mushroom City but then the Flying L-Tank passed by us and as we chase down the tank we found Mario who currently needed help.
Mario: Well-a well-a well-a, Peach. Look at the L-Tank. I bet Dimentio and Mr. L are behind all this. Lezza track it down.
Peach (Narrating): But while we did so, slaying the Vampies and Suckies all the way. the Mushroom Military Sentinels are on to us.
Shield Parry: I wonder why the Mushroom Military are after us? Peach? What did you do?
Peach (narrating): As I ignored the military an catch up with the L-Tank, A two-tailed Fox with Sunglasses and a Black suit walked through the Tank door.
Peach: TAILS!? What are you Doing working for Dimentio & Mr. L!?
Dr. T: Tails? Never heard of that boy! I am the flying slaughterer, the Golden Cyclone!! DR. T! Now prepare to die, Hus!!
Angela: Oh no, I can't believe Miles is being mind controlled by a Clown!
Parry: WAIT, you met him before?
Angela: Yes, I first met mile at the Flower Castle Grounds when Daddy Haru was alive; he was my love interest.
Peach: We'll discuss this at Castle Toadstool Later. Right now, we must finish off the tank.
Peach (narrating): As I put on a magic headphone, I turn into Scout Peach, Making Parry a Golden Baseball bat.
Baseball Parry: Alright! Here we Go.
Scout Peach (narrating): As Dr. T tries to attack us with Micro Bullet Bills fired out of the Gatling L-Cannon, I go to the left side of the Cannon while Angela went to the right side of the tank with a Thwomp Hammer. there are three weaknesses to the L-Tank, Two L Symbol light bulbs and the Electric radiator. As Mario Jumps over the manhole to the engine. Angela and I smashed both L Bulbs and Mario smashed the electric radiator with his own hammer. Then I found the Topaz Star Diamond controlling the radiator. As the Tank Stopped, Dr. T, Mr. L. and Dimentio jump out & were about to fight us but then a Swooping Cy-Borg She-R.O.B. Claire with a Romanian accent came by and blasted the mind controlling sprouts off the heads of Dr. T and Mr. L, Turning them back to Tails and Luigi, then handcuffed Dimentio for illegal mind control.
She-R.O.B. II (Claire Tasha Bat): You haff za right to remain Zilent, Dimentio.
Dimentio: BLAST IT!! THIS IS A TRAGEDY!
Claire: Bla Bla Take it to za Judge, Clown Boy!
Peach (Narrating): Then Claire looked at me disapprovingly, as the Were Koopa inspector/warden Charon Daniels also met us.
Inspector Charon: Are you Princess Elizabeth Toadstool? I like to ask you a question
She-R.O.B. II: Peach, Can't you be in za castle giving out orderz
Princess Peach: Out of my way, Clair; I'm in search for seven star diamonds!!
She-R.O.B. II: Oh Scheiss, zat proves eet!! Zorcerezz Durian vaz Rright; *points at Peach* YOU ARE ZA TRRAITORR!!
Inspector Charon: And for this treason by Marrying King Bowser we have no choice but to place YOU, Elizabeth, under arrest. She-R.O.B., Cuff the so called "Pure of Heart" and take her to the Garage.
Peach (narrating): as Claire did so, she and Charon took Peach to the Garage Wagon and took her away.
Angela: What's in "The Garage"?
Toadsworth (enters the Scene): Sadly it's an underground prison filled with convicted game bosses Mario has defeated throughout the years. We must report to Pauline. She has a car that digs underground because of the drill she upgraded with.
END OF CHAPTER
Posts: 107
Threads: 5
Joined: Feb 2013
Top quality fanfiction. Why is it in the style of script.
Posts: 18
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2015
OOC: That's because I made it that way, now stop interrupting, Red Haired Bastard. If you wanna review, Go to the Review Topic. it's there for a reason, one more & I will report to Petie. And you'll get a warn if I do.
Disclaimer: Now where was I? ... Oh Yes. I have no rights to Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Metroid, Sonic, Wreck-It Ralph, Mickey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor Kirby. They belong to their Rightful owners.
Hero Story 1: Punishment, Thy name is served.
Chapter 3: Princess Prisoner
Hero Mission: The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach. . . Again.
Location: The Garage Underground Prison
Peach (Narrating): While I'm locked up in the Garage. Pauline & Angela rode Beeper the Anthropomorphic Car to find where the prison is located in Forever Forest. and they entered the Garage after Beeper transformed into Drill Car Form & Dug in.
Pauline: Well, kiss my ass and call me Polly. It's an underground and it's also a prison, which is why it was called "The Garage" due to wide spaces.
Angela (worried): Please hurry, Mrs. Baldwin, I worried that she might get shived in the middle of prison riot.
Peach (Narrating): And speaking of "Riot", the robotic Hedgehog security called "Harry-Shroids" Pop out to block Pauline's path.
Pauline (Glaring at the Harry-Shroids): IF IT'S PRISON RIOT YOU WANT, IT'S PRISON RIOT YOU GET!!
Peach (Narrating): Then Beeper transforms into Mecha-Tank Mode and Pauline blasts laser at the Harry-Shroids. as Beeper steps into an elevator. they all go up to the next floor. as More Harry Shroids charge at Beeper the more Pauline blasts lasers out of the cannon at them & More floors she enters. And as Pauline picked up the Diamond Star Diamond on the way, She found the cell where I'm located.
Peach: Dammit. This is all Nastasia's Fault, If I ever find that bitch, I'll Slaughter her.
Pauline: Don't worry, Peach, I snaked the Key card from my daughter Charon while she's sleeping on the job. (Then slides it through the lock. freeing Peach.)
Peach: I swear I'm gonna kill Nastasia for this....
Angela: Wait. . . Who's Nastasia?
END OF CHAPTER
Posts: 107
Threads: 5
Joined: Feb 2013
05-08-2016, 06:53 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-08-2016, 07:13 PM by Red Haired Bastard.)
alright man. theres no need to be threaten me bro. also why bother making a separate thread for just for reviewing your fanfiction.
Posts: 18
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2015
OOC: Alexander, ol' friend. I learned making review topics the hard way from the Shut-down Boo Mansion Forum. So please don't interrupt.
(05-08-2016, 07:46 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: OOC: Alexander, ol' friend. I learned making review topics the hard way from the Shut-down Boo Mansion Forum. So please don't interrupt.
You do understand that this is a separate forum, run by separate people, with a different set of rules, right?
I like sunglasses. Sunglasses are cool. B)
Posts: 107
Threads: 5
Joined: Feb 2013
(05-08-2016, 07:46 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: OOC: Alexander, ol' friend. I learned making review topics the hard way from the Shut-down Boo Mansion Forum. So please don't interrupt.
Can you please not refer to me by my real name. Lets stick to usernames please.
(05-08-2016, 07:46 PM)Harold_Roxby Wrote: OOC: Alexander, ol' friend. I learned making review topics the hard way from the Shut-down Boo Mansion Forum. So please don't interrupt.
As pointed out by DurradonXylles above, not all forums undergo the same rules.
05-11-2016, 06:14 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-11-2016, 08:50 PM by Kosheh.)
franco, the very critical wallaby: crikey where do i even begin
kosheh (my original character do not steal): from forum to forum you'll find that they all work very differently and their forum ettiquite different from one another. for example, what works on Boo Mansion won't work on VGR won't work on GameFAQs. welcome to the internet
franco: oi mate and it's not very often that you'll find people posting in script or even tagging their posts with OOC. that's kinda reserved to role play forums, which are, oh i don't know, tagged appropriately.
kosheh: ok you know what forget this in-character hullabaloo i'm just gonna give you the Big Skinny on this
one particular, glaring flaw is that you're introducing all these original characters all at once into an already established universe. as a result, you're leaving the reader completely confused as there's just an entire family tree and absolutely no rhyme or reason why things are occuring.
How did Peach meet her husband? When did her mother suddenly enter the picture? Why does Peach suddenly have adopted children? Where is THEIR mother? Why is Tails, who has absolutely no relation to Mario canon, suddenly showing up in the Mushroom Kingdom, especially when the only times she and Tails have met are in like...actual real-world locations? And why IS the whole thing written in script? And why is there so much exposition? When you're writing in script form (well, like some fanfiction writers do) you're pretty much omitting a whole lotta stuff, like character and world-building.
...which, yeah I think your story may be in need of some world-building, as it might be harder for others to follow along when the only details you're giving is "It's Pauline" (who young players or otherwise someone who doesn't play the Mario VS Donkey Kong series might not know) or "It's Kate - you know, from the handheld Mario Tennis games! And she's now part lycanthrope! Don't ask me why, she just is!" it's kinda...
all over the place.
franco, the very critical wallaby: mate its me again dont listen to that lout. just kidding anyhoo it'd probably be a good idea to flesh out character bios between chapters; maybe add some art in-between, or even little side stories. like, why IS Kate now a werewolf? Where did Pauline get her bloody carpenter's clothes? When did Parry, A PARASOL - A TALKING CLOTH UMBRELLA DESIGNED TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF PEACH'S FACE, learn to shapeshift, because that's a really bonzer cool skill? okay mate gotta bounce *hops away on wallaby tail into the sunset to criticize some idiot on deviantart
kosheh: uh, ok
Oh, and one more thing: Try to avoid formatting the text in your posts with colors. Otherwise, it'll end up like this on dark themes.
Play Crash Bandicoot here file for divorce Obese
are you really 32???
that's like 2 years older than me O_O
ugh, at this point i might have to retract my "goodbye" topic
EDIT: oh. i just noticed you've got character bios on your deviantart.
...you may want to post them here (or maybe even in between chapters) as some of us are kinda in the dark in regards to the alternate universe you've created
!!!!
Thanked by: Superjustinbros, E-Man, Chris2Balls [:B], Shade, DurradonXylles, Hiynastrike, psychospacecow, eureka, Midday-Mew, miyabi95_, Joxon
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