Well, I'm finishing up my book and beginning work on the sequel but I thought I'd share something completely unrelated.
In fact, I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna use this as but I think it's a really good speech. It's supposed to be this king writing a letter to his son.
Here's an unpolished fragment.
Just a fragment.
If you like my writing, feel free to join up on my future video games. I'd really appreciate the help with spriting and ruby scripting. I've already made 2 games by myself and they have a decent following.
It's a nice piece of writing. But it would help if you gave us some more info of why the king wrote that letter. Only then will that piece of writing stand out as an amazing script.
Ha, well thanks for the compliment. It's the nicest thing I've heard today. lol
It's basically a letter of regret that he wrote for his son to read years later. There's a lot more to it. I haven't quite found a use for it yet but I'm sure I'll use it as a prologue at some point.
If you're planning to make that the prologue, then what you're making already sounds like music to my ears!
A tip from a pro writer: When writing a letter, don't write spoken language. You have tons of ellipses in your text, for instance. Dou you really think a king would write like that? It might be okay for a direct speech given towards his son, but a letter should consist of much more thought-out sentences. Keep in mind people used to make several drafts and revisions before sending a letter.
Now if you told me it was not a letter, but a speach at the deathbed of said king, that'd be a different story where all the pauses to gather thoughts would fit.
Good point but it could be easily reinterpreted as a speech. Again, this is just something I wrote randomly. I have a really good grasp of dialogue so that's probably why it sounds spoken and I appreciate the point, I'll probably use it like you said.
one thing that bugs me is that you started it with a response, which shouldn't really happen in letters. it should ease in instead of accusing the receiver of not understanding, as no letter has been aforementioned. removing "you don't understand" would be a good idea, as the king shouldn't really know whether his son would or not.
other than that its interesting but long for a letter
Actually this isn't where it usually starts and there's actually a lot more. Though now that I think about it, I'll use it as a speech.
A quick basic critique from what I gathered upon scanning the "letter"
Number one biggest concern is that it sounds like dialogue, at one point he even says "Now as I
speak of the future".
Secondly, you should never use exclamation points in writing ever unless someone is shouting.
Thirdly, and this only applies to if he is writing, it usually is not a good idea to repeat words.
Furthermore, the entire "letter" bounces around from on topic to another. There are many meaningful and sentimental points, but they don't connect with each other very well.
In some cases even the transitions do not relate to the topic, at one point the king says "Now as I speak of the future, I am reminded of myself and my youth", and then goes on to talk of children in general, which is a completely different thing.
These are just a couple of quick pointers to help you on your way to becoming a "pro writer", I hope they help.
Try avoiding these in writing (...). It'll make your writing more like...writing