I thought of this as I was delivering catalogues
I know its four lines and I am only 15 so please take that to mind
Every minute I think of you
I wish time could go back
To feel that love again
And to feel it back
Please Comment
I don't get, if you think of her every minute why do you wish time to go back? I see no deep meaning or message in this poem and as it is it sound rather cheesey.
You have no meter in that poem. Count the syllables of each line.
Eve-
ry min-
ute I
think of
you (8 Syllables)
I
wish time
could go
back (6 Syllables)
To
feel that
love a-
gain (6 Syllables)
And
to feel
it back (5 syallables)
You don't keep a consistent pattern of syllables, and so the poem feels awkward when read aloud. Although there is a rhyme scheme (sort of) you use the same word twice. This never works very well; and as your poem is so short, it really sticks out. Using monosyllabic words is a good way to fill in missing beats in a line that's too short, but if overused, it makes the poem sound long and droning.
I wish time could go back
is a guilty of this.
So about fixing your poem:
- Make sure that the pattern of syllables is consistant.
Many romantic poems are written in Iambic Pentameter. That's using 10 syllables per line.
(Read more here) That might be a good choice for your poem. Alternatively, you could try Septameter. That would be using 14 syllables per line, but it often broken down like this:
Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum
Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum
Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum
Da-
dum Da-
dum Da-
dum
- Try to avoid using too many monosyllabic words
Experiment with your vocabulary a little.
To feel that love again
could be
To experience divine romance
- Be careful when putting stress on certain words
As said before, using Iambics is the easiest way to write poetry if you're a beginner. However, you can't put stress on just any word. We naturally put stress on syllables of words in conversation. You'd say CON-ver-SA-tion, not con-VER-sa-TION. There's also a slight variance in English and American pronounciation (We say cli-CHÉ, Americans say CLI-ché), but you shouldn't worry too much about that. The line
And to feel it back
would put stress on 'to' and 'it', which pretty much never happens in conversation. So it feels really wierd to read it aloud.
Wondering what to say
Debating what to do
In topics like today's
And what to make of you
I think you ought to try
To add more in content
Or give me reason why
I should express dissent
What a bland discussion
About angsty poems
Revolving on crushing
Comment like we know 'em?
I say you try harder
And express what you mean
Don't get any darker
We're harsher then we seem.
That was fun, but I doubt it's of any real quality.
dont give it to her, seriosuly. she will hate you and think you are creepy, especially if oyu use the word love
(08-27-2008, 03:58 AM)liam543 Wrote: [ -> ]Every minute I think of you
I wish time could go back
To feel that love again
And to feel it back
oh fuck, sorry man I have a boyfriend
^^^
actual resonse from your lady friend
"I'm only 15!"
I wrote poetry longer and better when I was 12. ;D
However, I don't get why you bothered to post it if it was just a little thing that sucked to you and us.
All the above apply in this post.
liam, I think you could become the next Fone Bone with them poemsof yours.
Eh, at least Fone Bone had humour in his poems. I would dedicate one of his.
The poems not great.
Also about being 15, that has nothing to do with anything. I was writing near full novels at that age and younger.
i would hella bash you right now but dazz would probably warn me for flaming and let everyone else get off scot-free
peace
ur creepy and awkward. go sperg somewhere else
I wrote a poem about a girl once.
Ok, this is getting out of hand. It seems like OP is scared to post in this thread again anyway. Locking time.