Haiku's Quest Revamped

[Makermatic21]

Long ago a lone warrior and his sword embarked on a journey. One of which he would not return home from. Weeks had passed and the villagers began to talk. Some speculated that he had merely succumbed to death from one of the many battles he would always enter. Others say he simply vanished; leaving no trace of his whereabouts; as is custom with most ninja warriors. While many had proposed their own theories no one truly knew what had happened. It seemed this warrior was destined to fade into the obscurities of history. To become nothing more than a distant memory, like his father and grandfather before him. Although his storied past had come to an end a new story was to unfold. The story of his son. It is unknown what the child's real name ever was, but soon friend and foe alike would come to know him simply as HAIKU. This is his story...


Haiku's Quest:


Episode 1: The Preparation:

Somewhere in a small village in Japan...

Haiku: I am ready now. I must leave you here mother. I shall return soon.

Mother: No Haiku. This mission is too dangerous. You are not fully trained in the ways of ninjitsu yet. I beg of you, don't go.

Haiku: Sorry, but I must. I must learn who killed Father. Than they will suffer.

Mother: I... understand. Haiku you are now old enough to learn the truth. I will not stop you from your destiny. I implore you though to take these items. They have been in our family for many generations and may prove useful on your journey. First I give you your grandfather's talisman. Always wear it upon your neck and it will ward off any demons or kappas. Next is this cloak that belonged to your great grandfather. It enables the user to vanish in moment's notice. This blood-stained map was the last piece of evidence of your father's existence. Used on his last mission, it was found in the forest by one of the villagers and returned to me in memory of him. I have kept it safe all these years. If you are indeed leaving me I want you to use this map to guide you to your father's last location. Perhaps you can track your father's whereabouts and find his killer. Finally Haiku I present you with ---------sword. It is a magical sword used to slay dragons and has been passed down through many generations of our family. Only the strongest members of our family know how to accurately wield it. I believe you may one day grow to be the greatest warrior our family has ever known. Use these items wisely and be safe. You are my only son and I can not afford to lose you too.

Haiku: I understand you. These items will prove useful. I must leave you now.

Mother: Than go Haiku with honor. Never forget that the spirits of our fallen brethren will always be there to look after and protect you.

With a solemn bow Haiku leaves his mother and exits the main gate of town. Leaving the village and his former life behind Haiku makes his way into a nearby forest.


Episode 2: Journey Through the Forest:

Making his way deep into the forest Haiku finally decides he’s earned a good night’s rest. He gathers some fire wood and sets up camp for the night…

Haiku(thoughts): It is much too cold. I think I shall relax now. Later I shall train.

Enjoying the stillness of the forest and finishing his Curry, Haiku prepares to turn in. However…

Ninja 1: There he is. The one we were sent for.

Ninja 2: Don’t let him escape.

Ninja 3: You there. Surrender and this will all be over shortly.

Haiku: You fools are cowards. You will not stop my progress. You should vanish now.

Ninja 1: Insolent young boy. You can not take us all on. Do not force us to act in violence.

Haiku: I shall make you go. You will fall by my blade now. Prepare to die Fool!

In an intense battle Haiku defeats a slew of ninjas who once stood before him. He is weakened, but has survived. He talks to one of the ninjas…

Haiku: Here is a message. You will go to your master. Tell him he will die.

The ninja and a few others in hiding vanish as fast as they appeared. They must return to their master dishonored. Feeling quite pleased Haiku sheaths his blood-soaked sword and falls a sleep under a tree. He will need all the rest he can get when he has…

Episode 3: An Encounter with a Dragon:

Leaving his camp site behind, Haiku exit’s the forest and makes his way toward a cave. After taking the necessary precautions Haiku makes his way inside the heart of the cave. As he is about to make his way out: however, a massive creature blocks his path…

Haiku: I don’t believe this! The old legends have come true. It is a dragon!

Dragon: RAAAAAOWWW!

Haiku: I have to act fast. I can’t let this dragon live. You will not stop me!

The dragon let’s out another mighty roar and breathes hot flames and ash , momentarily blinding Haiku. But Haiku is ninja and so he is ready. He remembers his mother’s words and knows what he must do. In an incredible feat of athleticism Haiku dodge rolls many of the dragon’s incoming attacks and does several acrobatic leaps and flips to avoid the dragon’s ferocity.

Haiku: I have the ------- sword. The sword is my only hope. Now the dragon dies!

With a mighty leap into the air Haiku plunges the sword into the heart of the fearsome beast. As it writhes in pain Haiku fails to notice it’s tail. With its dying breath the dragon hits Haiku with a mighty blow. Haiku flies out of the cave and into a tree. Though the dragon is felled, Haiku is now rendered unconscious. Now mortally wounded Haiku lies near a brook. Across the brook is a local fisherman. Seeing a body, the fisherman makes his way to Haiku. Noticing his various wounds the stranger carries Haiku to his bow and begins to row back to his house. How will Haiku act when he awakens in…

Episode 4: A Mysterious House:

Haiku: Uggh... Where am I now? It looks like I'm in a house. I wonder who's here.

--------: Hello there young man. My name is ---------. Welcome to my home.

Haiku: How did I get here? I was lost in the forest. Many men attacked me.

--------: Rest easy young man. You have been gravely wounded. Fortunately I found you and was able to attend to your wounds. You've been unconscious for a few days now.

Haiku: I must take my leave. Thank you for mending my wounds. You have been most kind.

--------: Hey. Wait a minute now you can't leave just yet. It's late and your in bad shape still...

Haiku: My wounds are not deep. I will heal nicely in time. I must seek answers.

[Previous]

What is your first language? Please tell me it is not English.

This is Forrest:


This here a forest:


I told you to proofread, didn't I? Please do it. You also have a few lonely tags left. There's a preview button which will present you a preview of your post. You can use that, see it everything looks alright, then post. If you forget to do so, you can still edit your post afterwards.
Nothing against mistakes in general. Things happen, that's alright. But when it's a STORY POST™, I expect more care. The way you present your story is important, too, not only the contents.
If you wnat to learn how to write a good story, you need to read a lot. If you can't even be bothered to re-read your own writing, how do you intend to improve?

Let's take a look this fragment of a story you have here. Haiku's father is dead. Haiku want's to avenge him. Haiku gets a handful of weird thing. The end. That's one of the most boring and standard repertoire storylines ever, really cliché. Nothing to keep potential readers interested.
So the mother has to say goodbye to her only son, probably forever, yet you don't manage to get any emotion across. "Please don't go!" "Sorry, but I must." "Oh, well, in that case it's alright, take these things here with you." "I must go."
Let them talk more about how he's not ready, his father was far better than him and yet died. Let Haiku debate how it's his obligation as a son and stuff about honor. Bla bla.
Giving the character all these items at once drastically decreses their significance. He probably should get at least the cloak and map elsewhere later.

Either way, "serious" stories hardly take off on the internets. You really have to know what you do and you need to avoid standard cliché stories. Furthermore, if you want to write a Ninja story, you need background information on Japan, Ninja and all that in order to make your story credible.

By the way, I was expection actual Haiku when I entered

[alexmach1]

that was sudden
"im leaving bai"
"have your fathers stuff, i dont want it in the house anymore"

i would suggest starting the story off from the father's perspective, then leading up to the point to his death (without mentioning him dying) then go to the mother's perspective, getting the notice that her husband is dead

that makes it more interesting

[Sevenstitch]

A haiku for you~

Makermatic here
i have a story to tell
too bad its boring

[Devicho]

anime.txt

[Makermatic21]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm taking a different approach with this particualr thread. I'm posting every short chapter in my 1st post to avoid double posting and things of that nature. This means to read my whole story you will have to refer to the 1st post I made. Just mentioning this as I've seen no replys to this story and this is the original one people wanted me to post.

[alexmach1]

the dialogue feels like Happy in Paraguay

[Makermatic21]

(07-21-2012 08:16 PM)alexmach1 Wrote:  the dialogue feels like Happy in Paraguay

Sorry, I don't follow...

[Previous]

Quote:In an intense battle Haiku defeats a slew of ninjas who once stood before him. He is weakened, but has survived. He talks to one of the ninjas…

Wait, did I miss something there?
Isn't such a battle supposed to be the interesting part of a story? You're just leaving everything out.

It feels like you are telling a story without any storytelling.

Oh hey it is a Dragon, Rawr, Dragon die!! Dragon dead. There is absolutely nothing actually happening. There's no tension, no arc of suspense, nada. Not a single thing to make the story interesting.
Also, all Haiku says is "Die, you must they, he will die, die now, it's time to die, everyone will die, I will dye my hair".

Quote:Haiku: I have to escape. I can’t let this dragon live.

That appears contradictory. Escaping would mean running away, right? That's the opposite of engaging the dragon in battle.

[Gorsalami]

this might be some new, avant-garde game gimmick where you defeat enemies by fleeing from them

[Makermatic21]

Hey so posting everything in the first box dosen't seem like a productive idea. I'll now post after all your replys so I can better see what works and what dosen't. Eventually this story will be cool, I hope. So... stay tuned.

[Previous]

I'm going to tell you one last time.

Proof-read your output. Do it.
This time, you completely forgot to add the "Who's Talking" bit. You went back to the forrest. Then there's your unconscious unconscience. There's also a few other things but I feel like you don't really care anyways.

[Makermatic21]

Hey everyone. Had some downtime today so I decided to go back and add some details to Haiku's Quest. I plan on adding much more later and making it more thought out and planned. It's still in the working stages however so be patient with me. Also I'm sure a few of you will be delighted to know I went back and proofread my work this time. Also, as suggested, I do believe I will go into a little more detail about the father's past and how it will have an enormous impact on Haiku. That may be a sequel however. Oh and ----- means I haven't invented a name yet. Sorry.

[Zabadabenabadaba]

So I removed all of the unnecessary extra stuff, and left the part that is somewhat usable.

Spoiler (Click to View)

(07-09-2012 05:23 PM)Makermatic21 Wrote:  With a mighty leap into the air Haiku plunges the sword into the heart of the fearsome beast. As it writhes in pain Haiku fails to notice it’s tail. With its dying breath the dragon hits Haiku with a mighty blow. Haiku flies out of the cave and into a tree. Though the dragon is felled, Haiku is now rendered unconscious. Now mortally wounded Haiku lies near a brook. Across the brook is a local fisherman. Seeing a body, the fisherman makes his way to Haiku. Noticing his various wounds the stranger carries Haiku to his bow and begins to row back to his house.

I suggest that you rewrite everything, without as much clunky robotic dialogue, and with actual detail, not just, "then Haiku was an awesome ninja and killed everyone, the end."

[alexmach1]

here's a decent writing tip: unless there is a detail the reader can notice easily, something the character would normally do, or dialogue, do not use "X failed to notice X". also, always look for opportunities to shorten/combine sentences that either happen quickly or have little to no action, ie
"As it writhes in pain Haiku fails to notice it’s tail. With its dying breath the dragon hits Haiku with a mighty blow."
could have been
"As the dragon writhed in pain, it used its dying breath to hit haiku with a mighty blow from its tail."

then, replace verbs/adjectives with more descriptive/powerful synonyms and add details to the actions, ie
"As the dragon thrashed about from the intense pain, it used its remaining strength to launch haiku with a devastating whip of its tail."

this way, paragraphs that have action seem more intense.