07-17-2012, 10:01 PM
Makermatic21, I can tell you like nintendo and that would like to write about it, but the way you are writing isn't the best you could do. If you are still fairly young (17 or younger?) then you can do something people your age aren't doing and read some good literature. Then attempt to copy the style and sentence structure (it WILL be hard at first, do not be intimidated or give up, this is a good sign you are doing something outside of your comfort zone).
and of course, you aren't shakespeare right now, but you could surpass him if you are willing to put in the hard and depressing work of deliberate practice.
Your writing lacks variety in sentence structure, it's a lot of short sentences. Here is a quote who I think could better address this issue than I ever could:
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals—sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
I think with writing it is important to read your stuff aloud. We all get kinda caught up in our writing because we know we know and can appreciate what we were trying to say, but when you read it aloud you partially take on the role of the reader. The goal of writing, art and poetry is to convey the emotions you were feeling in making it, to the point that the reader feels those too. The best do this as succinctly as possible, less and simple is always better.
We see an object whiz by and strike Samus's ship.
Zelda: Oh what now?
Another object pelts the ship.
Peach: Eek! Look out Samus.
Andross boss battle music plays. We now see the original polygon version of Andross show up. It's spitting out polygonal squares that are now pelting Samus's ship from all directions. Her ship is in critical now.
Samus: What in the world is that thing?
Zelda: I don't know, but I think that thing means business you guys.
(this is done from the perspective of Zelda)
My heart raced and knees buckled. Something must have hit the ship, nothing else could cause such a thunderous sound. Before I could utter another word, my voice was silenced by a similar crashing thump. "Where's Samus? Is everyone okay?" I gasped, trying to collect my headache of thoughts. I looked over at Peach. She was silent, yet her sad expression said it all.
As my shoulder leaned against the thick window of the ship, a sharp glare in my periphery blinded me temporarily. The fuzz of my vision formed blips of stars and a polygonal face that shone and dominated the astral plane. Its horrid, angular mouth spat out flat cubes that rocketed toward the ship, tearing at the hull and exposing the circuitry beneath. Peach clenched her chest and shook, with sadness still in her eyes "I don't think the ship is going to make it. Which means..."
I don't think of myself as a good writer, mainly because I haven't read many great books. I wrote that purely from imagining the scene in my head, imagining what if I was on a ship being attacked? How would different people react to it? Really imagine it and try to convey the feelings and scene in your words.
The last thing I will say is read this out loud, if you don't mind somewhat adult themes (a lil gruesome) http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts/
then read yours again. Study what makes a good book good, and one day you'll be an expert writer too. I believe anyone can be great if they are smart in their approach to practice, if they practice for a long time, and if you have the luxury of being young, you have an advantage that can enable you to be great.
and of course, you aren't shakespeare right now, but you could surpass him if you are willing to put in the hard and depressing work of deliberate practice.
Your writing lacks variety in sentence structure, it's a lot of short sentences. Here is a quote who I think could better address this issue than I ever could:
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals—sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
I think with writing it is important to read your stuff aloud. We all get kinda caught up in our writing because we know we know and can appreciate what we were trying to say, but when you read it aloud you partially take on the role of the reader. The goal of writing, art and poetry is to convey the emotions you were feeling in making it, to the point that the reader feels those too. The best do this as succinctly as possible, less and simple is always better.
We see an object whiz by and strike Samus's ship.
Zelda: Oh what now?
Another object pelts the ship.
Peach: Eek! Look out Samus.
Andross boss battle music plays. We now see the original polygon version of Andross show up. It's spitting out polygonal squares that are now pelting Samus's ship from all directions. Her ship is in critical now.
Samus: What in the world is that thing?
Zelda: I don't know, but I think that thing means business you guys.
(this is done from the perspective of Zelda)
My heart raced and knees buckled. Something must have hit the ship, nothing else could cause such a thunderous sound. Before I could utter another word, my voice was silenced by a similar crashing thump. "Where's Samus? Is everyone okay?" I gasped, trying to collect my headache of thoughts. I looked over at Peach. She was silent, yet her sad expression said it all.
As my shoulder leaned against the thick window of the ship, a sharp glare in my periphery blinded me temporarily. The fuzz of my vision formed blips of stars and a polygonal face that shone and dominated the astral plane. Its horrid, angular mouth spat out flat cubes that rocketed toward the ship, tearing at the hull and exposing the circuitry beneath. Peach clenched her chest and shook, with sadness still in her eyes "I don't think the ship is going to make it. Which means..."
I don't think of myself as a good writer, mainly because I haven't read many great books. I wrote that purely from imagining the scene in my head, imagining what if I was on a ship being attacked? How would different people react to it? Really imagine it and try to convey the feelings and scene in your words.
The last thing I will say is read this out loud, if you don't mind somewhat adult themes (a lil gruesome) http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts/
then read yours again. Study what makes a good book good, and one day you'll be an expert writer too. I believe anyone can be great if they are smart in their approach to practice, if they practice for a long time, and if you have the luxury of being young, you have an advantage that can enable you to be great.
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